The Secret to Reconnecting When Your Sexual Drives Don’t Match

It's quite normal for couples to experience times when their libidos don't align, with one partner desiring sex more frequently than the other. There are numerous factors that can lead to this difference in desire, as well as various methods to reintroduce sex into the relationship. However, during these quieter times, it's crucial for couples to discover ways to keep their intimacy alive, even when sexual activity is less frequent.

Sadly, when sex turns into a contentious issue within a relationship, another aspect often suffers as a result: touch.

Misunderstanding touch and sex

This is how it typically unfolds: A pattern develops between partners where one individual seeks sex more often than the other, leading to a situation where one partner is consistently initiating while the other is perpetually declining.

For the individual with a lower libido, situations can become quite uncomfortable. They might experience guilt for frequently turning down their partner's sexual advances, or they could feel exasperated by their partner's persistent attempts to initiate intimacy when they aren't in the mood. It can start to feel as if every touch is loaded with expectation, as if their partner is trying to transform every hug or gentle hand on the back into something sexual.

These negative emotions can arise every time they share even the slightest touch, and eventually, the person with the lower libido may start to shy away from any physical contact with their partner to escape this challenging situation.

On the other hand, the partner who desires sex more frequently may observe that their significant other is avoiding their touch. This can be especially painful if their primary love language is physical affection, or it might seem as though their partner has lost all sexual interest in them.

The significance of nonsexual touch

"Sex and intimacy are distinct concepts, yet we frequently confuse them in our culture," says marriage therapist Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT. "I often discuss with the couples I assist the significance of nonsexual touch within a relationship."

Nonsexual touch—such as cuddling in bed during the morning, greeting and bidding farewell with a kiss, or simply placing a hand on your partner's arm or knee while conversing—can play a crucial role in fostering feelings of warmth and closeness between partners. For numerous couples, the absence of any physical touch in their relationship can significantly damage their bond.

Certainly, some individuals are just not very touchy by nature; people have various love languages and may prioritize different forms of intimacy, and that's perfectly fine. What truly matters is that a couple discovers ways to express affection that feel satisfying for both partners.

From a scientific perspective, touch offers numerous advantages, especially in relationships. Any type of touch—from hugs to orgasms—stimulates the release of feel-good hormones in the body, such as serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin, as noted by Jackson. "Oxytocin is often referred to as the bonding hormone. This is the same hormone that is released between a newborn and its mother, which is why skin-to-skin contact is highly encouraged for bonding after childbirth," she explains.

This indicates that touch can play a crucial role in helping couples feel connected to one another—particularly for those who may be experiencing tension in their relationship due to a lack of sexual intimacy. In fact, one reason couples in sexless relationships often face challenges is that they have lost all forms of physical closeness, not just sexual interaction.

Emphasizing touch without any expectations

It can be beneficial for couples to consciously separate touch from sexual activity. By doing so, even when their sexual desires don't align, their bond as a couple remains strong because they still have other nonsexual methods of expressing affection and nurturing intimacy.

"It's perfectly fine to tickle one another, give your partner a back rub, or just sit closely together. These actions are intimate but don't necessarily have to lead to sex," Jackson explains. "It's crucial for your partner to realize that not every touch is an invitation for sexual activity."

Having a discussion as a couple about how to alleviate the pressure associated with touch can be beneficial. This way, you can enjoy kissing, cuddling, and other forms of affection without the expectation that they must lead to sex. You might even consider setting up "first-base dates," which are romantic outings where you both agree that sex is off-limits.

Additionally, it's vital to ensure that the partner with a higher sex drive feels their needs are being met within the relationship. However, you may be surprised at how much more nonsexual touch can enhance feelings of love and satisfaction for both partners. Often, when there's an increase in warmth and intimacy, sex can become a more appealing next step. You might even discover that sexual desire in the relationship naturally rekindles over time.