Here's Exactly How To Make A Threesome Happen, From People Who've Had Them
How To Actually Have A Threesome: 33 Tips, Stories & Things To Expect
Threesomes are a popular fantasy in American culture. They occupy a unique spot in our shared sexual imagination and societal views. The idea of having or wanting a threesome is often seen as the perfect blend of being both excitingly taboo and comfortably normal.
What is a threesome?
A threesome is essentially a sexual encounter involving three individuals. It can include any mix of genders, and it's important to note that not everyone has to engage in penetration. The key aspect is that all three participants are present, enthusiastic, and focused on enjoying each other's company.
May 25, 2021
Threesomes are the most common American fantasy. As such, they hold a special place in the collective sexual imagination and the cultural landscape. Having a threesome or desiring one is often regarded as hitting the "sweet spot" between taboo (and therefore hot) and "normal" (and therefore accessible).
What is a threesome?
A threesome, in its most simple terms, is a sexual activity that occurs between three people. Threesomes can be between people of any combination of genders, and not every person involved in the threesome needs to penetrate or be penetrated. All that counts is that three people are present, willing, and into making each other feel good.
How to set up a threesome:
1. Determine your desires.
If you're currently single, spend some time by yourself to jot down your thoughts in a notebook or on your phone. Consider what you're seeking in your experiences. Are you interested in a threesome with two people of the same gender? Would you prefer a threesome with two strangers? Or perhaps you're curious about an encounter with your attractive neighbor and her partner? Reflect on what you want to explore and establish your limits.
When you're in a relationship, take some time to sit down together—preferably when you're both relaxed and fully dressed. Have an open and honest conversation about what each of you wants and any compromises that might be necessary to ensure both of you feel comfortable.
2. Try using a dating app.
There are numerous apps designed for both singles and couples interested in threesomes. If you're part of a couple, Feeld might be the perfect choice for you. This app focuses on non-monogamous relationships and includes a group chat feature, allowing everyone to communicate at once. For singles, Tinder remains a popular option. Many couples set up shared Tinder profiles to find singles for threesomes.
When using apps, it's important to be clear about your intentions without being overly blunt. It's not fair to someone seeking a committed, exclusive relationship to assume you're on the same page, only to surprise them with a question like, "Can my boyfriend join?" Avoid putting others in that position. Dr. Janet Brito, a certified sex therapist, suggests several apps and dating sites that can help in finding a threesome, including Ashley Madison, BiCupid, and Bumble.
3. Attend a munch.
A munch is a casual, nonsexual gathering for those interested in BDSM. It’s a great chance to meet and connect with others who may be open to exploring relationships beyond traditional monogamy. You can discover munches on platforms like Fetopia or Fetlife. Whether you’re part of a couple or single, munches provide a fantastic opportunity to network and possibly find partners for a threesome.
4. Meet a stranger at a bar.
If you're up for a little adventure, why not try meeting someone new at a bar? According to sex coach Danielle Harel, Ph.D., it can be quite the challenge, so it's best to keep your expectations low and treat it as a fun outing with your partner.
5. Ask a friend.
When it comes to involving friends in threesomes, tread carefully. "Inviting someone from your circle can be delicate, as it might alter the relationship and create complications. It's wise to choose someone you trust to navigate any potential fallout or someone you don't know as well," advises sex coach Celeste Hirschman.
It's important to consider the details of your unique situation when deciding whether to approach a friend. For queer or polyamorous couples who often mix sex, romance, and friendship, reaching out to a friend could be a straightforward option. However, for more traditional couples looking to explore threesomes, involving a friend might complicate things and create potential emotional challenges.
6. Attend a sex party.
Events like those hosted by Killing Kittens can be excellent venues for finding partners for threesomes, whether you're a single woman or part of a couple.
"Many cities host sex parties, but they are often discovered through personal connections," explains Lori Lawrenz, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in human sexuality. "Local sex shops may have resources like message boards or staff who can assist you in locating nearby parties or social spots where people are eager to meet others with similar interests."
7. Consider hiring a sex worker.
According to sexologist Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, "A sex worker is a great option because you can inquire about their STI status in advance." She emphasizes that "sex work is work," highlighting that you're paying for their professionalism and discretion. This approach is particularly beneficial for couples who are generally monogamous but are interested in exploring a threesome while keeping clear boundaries in their relationship. By choosing a professional, you minimize the risk of emotional complications and ensure that the third party can walk away without being involved in any potential fallout. Once the service is completed, they can simply return to their own lives.
8. Ensure everyone is on the same wavelength.
No matter how you decide to find one or two partners for a threesome, the key is to ensure that all parties are aligned on the expectations for your time together. Whether you're browsing dating apps, reaching out to a friend, or attending a sex party, it's crucial to be clear about your desires and boundaries, both for yourself and with your potential partners.
Additionally, confirm that your chosen partners are committed to using protection, and make it a priority to follow through. Nobody wants to deal with the confusion of figuring out "who might have given me an STI?" or "which partner could have led to an unexpected pregnancy?"
9. Create the right vibe.
Ensure you have ample space! Many beds can feel cramped for three, so think outside the box about where you want to enjoy yourselves. The more relaxed and comfortable the environment is—both physically and emotionally—the smoother the experience will be. And remember: it's best not to overindulge in drinks beforehand.
10. Touch base with one another.
Ensure that everyone involved shares a common understanding of the evening's plans, and keep in mind that it's perfectly okay to change your mind at any point, even if you think your partner or other participants might be let down.
How to bring up the idea of a threesome with your partner?
If you've been dreaming about adventurous nights involving a threesome and are eager to explore this in real life, it's important to approach the topic thoughtfully, especially if you're in a committed relationship.
How can you introduce the idea to your partner in a way that feels comfortable for both of you? One effective method is to keep it light-hearted. Humor can be a great way to ease into the conversation. You might say something playful to gauge your partner's reaction, as this can help you quickly determine their feelings on the subject.
Another option is to watch a movie that features a threesome. This can serve as a natural segue into a discussion about your desires. You could express your curiosity about enhancing your intimate life and ask your partner how they feel about the possibility of inviting someone else into your relationship.
Regardless of how you initiate the conversation, it's crucial to communicate your motivations clearly. Discuss why you're interested in a threesome and how you believe it could enrich your relationship. It's important to reassure your partner that this desire isn't a reflection of their worth or ability to satisfy you, helping to prevent any feelings of inadequacy.
Some individuals might surprise you by being more receptive than you anticipated, according to Lawrenz. On the other hand, some may feel quite uneasy about the concept, and it's important to recognize and respect those boundaries. "If your partner feels uncomfortable or is not on board with the idea, take pride in your willingness to explore and embrace a sex-positive attitude," Lawrenz advises. "Keep in mind that threesomes can only be enjoyable when everyone involved gives their enthusiastic consent."
Tips for a successful threesome:
1. Plan the details.
Think about where this threesome will take place. Will it be in your own bed or at a more neutral location like a hotel? If you're a single person joining a couple, will you stay over or leave after things heat up? Make sure you have your wallet handy for transportation, and don’t forget to charge your phone for an Uber ride home. Also, bring your preferred lube—using someone else's can lead to unpleasant surprises—and pack some condoms too.
Being well-prepared and at ease will enhance the experience for everyone involved.
2. Set clear boundaries.
Discuss who can engage with whom. Are there specific actions that are off-limits? Couples often establish guidelines for what is acceptable during a threesome. If you’re part of the couple, it’s essential to communicate these rules to your third partner. Conversely, if you’re the third, it’s important to honor those boundaries. You want to leave feeling satisfied, but the couple may have to navigate the feelings that arise from unexpected actions, like an unplanned intimate moment.
3. Take a moment to connect with both your partner and yourself.
It's important to ensure that your excitement about the idea of a threesome is grounded in reality. Before diving in, reflect on your feelings and confirm that this experience will bring you genuine joy and satisfaction. Don't agree to a threesome just to make your partner happy.
Additionally, it's wise to check in with your partner to see if they genuinely want to participate as well. They may be deeply in love with you and simply wish to make you happy.
4. Ensure everyone feels involved.
"Be mindful of how attention is distributed and make sure everyone feels included," advises Hirschman. "Threesomes require extra communication throughout the experience, so it's essential to agree to check in periodically to ensure everyone is comfortable."
While certain sexual activities may naturally involve more interaction between two people, there are plenty of creative ways to make sure the third person feels engaged. "Incorporating touch, like holding hands or gentle squeezes during different sexual activities, can help everyone feel connected. Keeping eye contact and ensuring that all parties receive attention is key to maintaining engagement," suggests Lawrenz.
5. Explore various positions for three.
Threesomes open up a whole new world of positions to experiment with. No matter the body types involved, you might enjoy lying side by side in a circle while giving each other oral pleasure. Alternatively, one person can lie down while another rides them, and a third can sit on their face. You could also have one partner penetrate anally while you provide oral pleasure to another. Snuggling in a spooning position is another option.
Additionally, you could have Person A and Person B engage in intercourse while Person C watches and pleasures themselves. The options are limitless! It's not necessary for everyone to be in constant physical contact, but it's essential that everyone feels included in the fun.
6. Prioritize aftercare.
Aftercare is crucial following any sexual encounter, and it’s especially significant in threesomes. If you’re a couple who has welcomed a third person into your intimate space, take some time afterward to reconnect with each other and discuss your feelings about the experience. A gentle massage or expressions of gratitude can go a long way.
It’s equally important to ensure that the third person doesn’t feel neglected once the fun is over. Check in with them to see how they’re feeling and if they enjoyed the experience. If you’re at your place, consider offering them a snack and a glass of water, and make sure they have a safe way to get home.
Considerations and precautions:
Avoid: Excluding anyone.
"It’s easy for someone to feel overlooked when a partner gets caught up in the moment with someone new. The most frequent issue in a threesome is what we call left-out syndrome," explains Lawrenz. "When two people are enjoying each other sexually, the one who feels excluded can experience feelings of isolation, embarrassment, and vulnerability. Make sure to engage with all parties involved, whether through touch or eye contact, to maintain a sense of connection and ensure everyone feels included in the experience."
Avoid: Leaving things to chance.
While it might seem appealing to take a laid-back "whatever happens, happens" approach to threesomes to appear relaxed and experienced, this can lead to problems. Instead, prioritize clear communication and a structured approach. Threesomes are not the place for unexpected surprises, especially when it comes to the dynamics of your couple's relationship.
Avoid: Failing to communicate boundaries.
If your partner is the one who suggested the idea of a threesome and seems more excited about it, you might feel pressured to go along with everything. However, agreeing to a threesome doesn’t mean you have to consent to every sexual act that might occur. If you know you tend to feel jealous, it’s wise to establish boundaries upfront, such as "We won’t kiss the third person" or "We won’t engage in anal sex with the third"—whatever feels too intimate for you.
If you suppress your emotions and ignore your own limits, you might end up reacting in ways that are distressing. Setting boundaries can mean insisting on safe practices, like using condoms with new acquaintances at a sex party, or simply stating that you prefer not to engage in penetrative sex.
Avoid: Being disrespectful.
One major mistake couples can make during a threesome is neglecting the independence of the third person, as Howard points out. "They are a person, not a sex toy." This can manifest in demanding that the third person meet your desires or being unkind if you feel insecure about their connection with your partner.
If you start to feel overwhelmed, it's better to ask for a break rather than taking out your feelings on someone who is there to enjoy themselves. Another form of disrespect in a threesome is continuing to push for what you want even after someone has said no, as Brito emphasizes. Avoid acting entitled. Remember that respecting everyone's comfort is essential for a positive group experience.
Consider: Will you be drinking or staying sober?
Many choices that seem appealing after a few drinks may not look so great in the clear light of day. If you're new to threesomes, it’s a good idea to limit your use of alcohol or drugs if you think you might find yourself in a sexual situation. Threesomes can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings since they are more complicated than typical one-on-one encounters. Therefore, maintaining full control of your mind is crucial. You’ll appreciate this decision in the morning.
Consider: Is this a one-time experience?
Howard suggests reflecting on whether your threesome is intended to be a one-time event or if you’re seeking a more serious throuple arrangement. If you’re trying to use a threesome as a way to introduce a deeper conversation about polyamory, it’s best to rethink that approach. Surprising your partner in this manner can damage the trust between you, and it should be a separate discussion altogether. (If you’re curious, here’s how to properly ask for an open relationship.)
Additionally, it’s essential for everyone involved to discuss their expectations before engaging in a threesome, regardless of the setup. Will this be a regular "Thursday threesome," or just a one-time fling among friends? Understanding the dynamics beforehand is key. "Know your intentions before you all come together. Have those conversations while you’re still dressed and everyone is sober," advises Lawrenz.
Are threesomes beneficial for relationships?
The impact of a threesome on a relationship really hinges on the dynamics between the partners and the circumstances surrounding the experience. Harel points out that "anything can be beneficial or detrimental to a relationship—even monogamy." It's crucial to understand that everyone has unique needs, and crafting a relationship and sex life that suits both partners is an ongoing journey that shouldn't be overlooked. Neglecting your relationship and failing to foster open dialogue can lead to complications!
In general, Brito notes that if everyone involved is genuinely on the same page about their desires, a threesome can infuse excitement, happiness, and intimacy into the relationship.
We exist in a society that often promotes strict monogamy, viewing sexual exclusivity as the ultimate expression of love and commitment. Threesomes offer an opportunity to challenge and redefine that perspective.
Here’s what people have shared about their experiences with threesomes:
"The scenario was me and two men. I was excited to try! The best part was the beginning, kissing and switching between them. But the sex itself inevitably became about servicing not one but two dicks, although everyone was kind and considerate. I liked the ability to change partners on a whim. I also liked being watched while someone fucked me." —Sasha, 40
"I had two friends (m/w) that I really enjoyed having sex with separately. One summer, the three of us started hanging out more as a group, and I asked how they'd feel about the three of us having sex with each other. Everyone was comfortable, so one night after hanging out, we had a threesome in his living room. I loved it, I'd had threesomes in the past, but they were always 'for' my partners, and with homegirls I had never had sex with before, they were just open to the idea. But this time there was no romantic dynamic or awkwardness. It all felt very fluid and simplistic. It was a pivotal moment for me sexually. I left that threesome feeling empowered to ask for what I wanted sexually and knowing that sex with friends (nonromantic partners) was my preference. It set the mold for how I've had threesomes ever since." —Ariel, 30
"We were in the basement at some random party. It was me, my current girlfriend, and her ex-girlfriend. We all started making out, and it seemed to be going really well. But after we started having sex, I realized that my girlfriend was just super into her ex-girlfriend and clearly wished I wasn't there. It was so embarrassing and upsetting. I would never get into that situation again." —Julie, 29
"It was quite a random event. Or well, it wasn't really—there had been a lot of half-joking around doing it for quite a while before. It was with two close friends of mine who were a couple at the time. As usual, we were hanging out, and I think someone joked about it, but we just decided to go for it. Afterward, I wished we had talked about it beforehand. I found out that the couple got into a fight because one of them didn't like me giving oral sex to the other. And things got a bit awkward between the three of us. So I guess it's about knowing each other's boundaries beforehand. What I remember most is how it all caught me off-guard—and how amazing it was being able to smell two new pussies at the same time!" —Susan, 27
"They were around my age, married with a toddler, and we had great conversations. They kinda treated me like a girlfriend, sending good morning messages and going on dates—it was nice. We only had sex together once, and I had sex with the husband once. It was cool, and I would have wanted to see them more, but they lived far away in the Bronx. I cut things off 'cause I was dealing with a lot at work and just life so decided to take a step back from dating and sex for a bit. Overall, I feel like my experiences were good even if I just learned more about myself. I would like to do it again, but I don't want to be the third; I would prefer it to be with my partner." —Mimi, 31